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Reading these books was like coming home, it all seemed so familiar.

When I read Autobiography of a Yogi I was thrilled.

They figured I’d marry a nice Baptist boy and settle down.

I was the only one of all my college girl friends who graduated single.

And, of course, the vision of him sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the wood floor outside his bathroom in Lincoln Park when I emerged and informed him I wasn’t pregnant and, smiling his sweet half-smile, he said, “You know, it would’ve been OK if you were.” And then, four days later, how elated he was when I took another test, and then two more, that told us I was, in fact, very unexpectedly pregnant. She told me it didn’t matter what other people thought, that she and my dad loved me. But if I don’t tell the stories, how will others experiencing similar situations know they’re not alone? And if I’ve learned anything at all so far, like finger painting, brownie sundaes, moves into bigger spaces to accommodate bigger love and dances in the rain, if done sincerely and with love, a messy life is a rich life.

(Sidenote: In my 10 years of being a devotee of Paramahansa Yogananda, not one person has ever signed up for the SRF lessons as a result of knowing me—until Clive.) I wanted to write about how it felt when I walked in on him reading the first meditation lesson to find his giant smile thanking me for the introduction and knowing we truly shared our path to God. Everyone is going to think I’m crazy.” She told me that when a baby is born, everyone is flooded with love, and so it would be with my boys and everyone else who counted.

) is a major city in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh and one of the Counter-magnet cities.

The city however is situated in the valley between the hills.The city and its fortress have been ruled by several historic northern Indian kingdoms.From the Tomars in the 13th century, it was passed on to the Mughal Empire, then to the Maratha in 1754, followed by the Scindia in 18th century. Despite being wildly and yet groundedly in love with an all-around wonderful man who wanted our baby and a life with me and my boys more than anything in the world, I was so scared. Scared I’d worked so hard for freedom and now I was committing both to a baby and to a new partner all at once. Scared the allure of our relationship would fade with my growing belly. Full of compartmentalizing, fear, prayer, stardust. On discovering the news, I cried with fear and dwelled in permanent nausea every day for two months. And eventually you’ll be talking with him or her on the phone like I’m talking to you right now. I know it seems crazy, and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way right now, but I just have the strongest feeling God wants you to have this baby. And, yet, through tears and nose blows, I debated her. My mother made decisions because she was terrified of what everyone else would think. That ends here.”Clive snapped this of me, baby bump and all, poolside on a late-summer getaway in the lakey, piney hills of New Hampshire. Moms at school have pumped my nanny, who has no idea who they even are, for details and she has alternately appeased them with a response, changed the subject or told them that I’m her employer and that we have a professional relationship. She knows everything.) “You know people are talking about you, Emily,” she said. I’m still working on letting this stuff roll off and living my life without fear of external perceptions.

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